The myth of the “laid-back” girl

For my almost my entire dating life, I’ve taken pride in being the “laid-back girl.”

Don’t talk to me for a couple days? That’s fine.

Hanging out with a girl I don’t know? Totally cool.

I’m madly in love with you but I’m not going to say anything because I just “go with the flow”

Everything’s fine. I’ll ignore any suspicious activity and suppress all my feelings in the name of “being your peace”

Here’s the thing I wish I could tell 18, 19 and 20-year-old Tia.


It is not possible to have a healthy relationship with someone when you are suppressing all emotion. I’ve had this scenario play out 2 different ways.

The most common scenario:

You’re getting finessed. You know, he knows that you know, but you don’t say anything because you don’t want to create an issue. A couple weeks (months? Years??) down the line he either gets bored with you or you blow up on him. Either way, it ends terribly.

Scenario 2: He has feelings for you but you’re so in your head about being laid back that you don’t see it or ignore it. He starts to feel like these feelings aren’t reciprocated and *poof* goes the relationship.

Both of these scenarios have the same problem at the root. You’re selling yourself short out of fear. For any relationship/situationship/FWB arrangement to work, you have to create boundaries and expectations. Not doing this sets you up for disappointment and makes it difficult to address any issues that come later on. If you never expressed that you wanted to be exclusive, can you really be mad if they date other people?

The purpose of this post isn’t to encourage you to take every little thing as disrespect or an issue that needs to be addressed. I am a firm believer in choosing your battles but there is a difference between letting a petty annoyance go and sacrificing your sanity because you’re worried about having an argument.

Regardless of the type of relationship you want, you need to be honest with yourself and them. If you aren’t on the same page it’s better to find out sooner! You’re doing yourself a huge disservice to continue in a situation that isn’t open, honest, and fulfilling. If you can lay up, you can speak up.

In the words of our OGs, “A closed mouth don’t get fed”

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