I'm sick of myself. Period.
When I moved here I was on a roll! Getting up early, meditating and at least trying to be healthy. It seems like all that's faded away now. The beginning of 2020 has sucked. I’ve had the flu and felt too unmotivated to even think about making changes for the new year. Making resolutions seemed pointless because I never keep them. I’ve felt so down about my progress in life, my looks, and my creative aspirations that I just gave up. I stopped eating healthy, writing, meditating pretty much anything that made me feel good.
I had this post written that I was planning to upload a couple of weeks ago about how I was doing all these things to reach my goals and it was all bullshit. I’m lazy, unmotivated, and insecure. The first step to fixing these things is admitting them. Not getting on Blue Ivy's internet and lying about all the great plans I have for this year.
My wakeup call came in the form of a Bishop TD Jakes Sermon. His preaching style isn't really my thing but my mom told me to watch it. The sermon was about being dedicated to your destiny and it felt like a gut punch.
Just before I watched the sermon I sent someone a text about shutting down my blog and it says “I guess I need to accept that I’m just supposed to be regular” I felt like that about everything like I was destined to be unhappy forever because that was easier than admitting that I AM THE PROBLEM.
After listening to that sermon, I realized that I’m not destined to be regular (whatever that means) I'm simply not dedicated enough. It's so much easier to say “maybe it's not for me” than admit that I’m not putting in nearly as much work as I could be. I know the plans I have for my life. I know the steps I need to take I just need to do it. I want to create safe spaces for people professionally and creatively. Waiting for Instagram followers or popularity to come before I start makes no sense. Why would God bless me with a huge audience when I don't have enough faith to give my all with the supporters I have now?
I have no one to blame about the situations I'm in but myself. It’s time to get out of my own way. I am going to spend 2020 setting myself up for the things I want this decade. A healthy lifestyle mentally and physically, a PhD., and a consistent event brand for Black women.
I know making these changes is not going to be easy but I at least have to try. I was so scared to fail that I forgot the real failure is in not trying. If you're having a hard time getting started on your goals like me this is your sign that you can do it. It's okay if you struggled in January. You can start over today and as many days as you need to. I believe in you.