It’s been a month since I’ve had anything to write on my blog. I haven’t been very motivated and its shown in my school work as well sadly.
I’ve been trying to make myself fit in these roles that I don’t even want to play because it feels like what I’m supposed to do. The nice intern, a blogger, an Instagram girl, the friend who will ALWAYS be there (even if you don’t deserve it).
I got the chance to listen to Gabourey Sidibe speak (Hosted by Black Girls Bookclub of course) and I felt like her words lifted a weight off of me. As a less confident Black woman, I’ve always been worried about taking up too much space. Talking too loud, drawing too much attention to myself. Hell, I feel guilty if no one else gets off the bus at the same stop as me.
I think my lack of motivation lately has come from me being tired. Tired of shrinking myself. Gabby said, “Black women are expected to smile and put everyone at ease and make them think that they should have access to us but everyone shouldn’t have access to us right?” She talked about making her voice a couple octaves higher and smiling a little bit longer to put people at ease. Snaps and shaking heads as well as “Yes!” and “I feel that” filled the room in agreement.
Gabby’s book is called “This is just my face” and I say that at least once a day. I recently quit an internship that I haaaaated. Like Gabby, I too have resting bitch face and it gave everyone an opportunity to confirm that angry Black woman trope. “Is everything okay? Are you sure? Do you like it here?” and at first did. But the more this continued along with the “sassy” remarks and jokes about my hair I got tired.
“People try to get you to laugh at yourself like your feelings aren’t allowed to be hurt because they thought it was funny.” -Gabby
Writing this blog has become another area of shrinking and stress for me as well. Gabourey Sidibe did not think about anybody else when she wrote the book she just wanted to tell her truth. I find myself writing consumed with who might read it and it’s kept me from telling a lot of my truths which is what I set out to do.
She talked about the importance she placed on honesty while writing her book and in her life and that’s when it hit me…
Playing a role and being honest with yourself cannot exist in the same space.
I’m going to stop doing what I think I should do to make people like me or be less afraid. Instead, I am going to do what I have to do to reach my goals. I’m going to go into my next job focused, not constantly worry about if my co-worker likes me. I going to post what I want and not care what others think because this is my outlet and likes don’t pay my bills.
If you’ve been playing a role and hiding your Blackness out of fear of judgment I hope this serves as a message to live your truth. Because in the words of Gabby “You not gonna fight me and you not gonna evict me so I might as well do what I want”